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Saturday, October 13, 2012

Beware of my tongue

My tongue gets me in trouble often. Having never learned to be diplomatic (or what to say when and where), I will often say something totally inappropriate. And combined with my bald head and bespectacled serious face that is often construed as an insult or disrespect.

However my flaws can wait. Here goes the story:

While returning from office late one day I found a blonde lady with a huge luggage looking around in a confused way. I went to her and asked if she needed any help. She said in broken and highly accented English that she had called for a cab. But it still hadn't arrived and now she is unable to contact the driver on his cellphone. I offered to call on her behalf. She accepted with gratitude. Now I hardly know a few words of Tamil. When I called the driver, he went on and on in barely understandable Tamil. But I somehow gathered that he got confused with the address given by her and went someplace else which was 30 kms from there. So I informed her about the situation and with her permission called for a cab myself from a local cab service. I felt responsible to accompany her still the cab arrived. Therefore I asked her whether she would like to have a cup of coffee with me in the meantime. She showed me her ring and said, "Sorry Mr. I am married". Being the lip I am, I said, "Congratulations. So how's that going for you?" Fortunately her ignorance of fluent Indian accent English saved me because she did not get me. Anyways I understood where the conversation was taking a downturn to and shut up after a few words. And we waited in silence for the cab. The cab duly arrived and she thanked me and went in the cab. Next day I found out who she was and thanked her lack of fluency in English again. Thing is, I could have been unceremoniously fired from my job.

Yes, just for a sarcastic comment at an inappropriate place and at an inappropriate time.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

A few thoughts about "A song of Ice and Fire"

As I was doing a reread of the famous series "A song of Ice and Fire" by the author George RR Martin, widely regarded as one of the best fantasy series ever written, I noticed a few things which I would like to share here. The series is often classified under Epic Fantasy. However, a closer look at the story would reveal that there is no epic/central plot line. There are two broad plot lines- one where all the people are playing the Game of Thrones. And the other where the Night's Watch are fighting the Others. The series is more like a rope whose strands have come loose and now are billowing in the wind wrapping around each other and unraveling. There is no central plot to keep the threads together. The various POV characters are having their own adventures, often crossing paths with each other, however as in real life there is no unified ending of the loop in sight. This is not to suggest that the series is not good. Epic or not it is definitely one of the best fantasy ever written.

Though I don't understand why would anybody want to be a peasant in this cold gritty unforgiving universe GRRM has created. If you are not a soldier, chances are you are going to be beaten bloody, raped, looted multiple times, mutilated, tortured, and enslaved. I would have thought that would be enough reason for all people to take up arms instead of shovels. I am sure GRRM is trying to make a point here about wars and male chauvinism by highlighting the darker sides of them so brutally. But I did not like that aspect of "The Prince of Nothing" by Richard Scott Bakker or "The Sword of Truth" by Terry Goodkind, not that the latter is comparable to A Song of Ice and Fire by any stretch of imagination. What actually galls me about these medieval fantasy is that the torturers/slavers/rapists escape justice because of various circumstances. And the lords and rulers often encourage them instead of despising them. Torture and Rape has become an accepted part of this world. What I am trying to say is that the Human element is missing even for characters like Daenerys who are practically the embodiment of all human virtues. Even Daenerys doesn't understand the need for vengeance of the maegi Mirri Maz Duur who had been raped multiple times by the Dothraki. How could one such as the maegi ever reconcile with the Dothraki.

There is another aspect of the story which is strange. The faith and the old gods reside peacefully. I am sure there is a bloody history somewhere which GRRM hasn't told yet, because no two religion can tolerate each other. GRRM rectifies that somewhat by bringing in the religion of the red god Rh'llor later in the series. But I thought more blood would have flown in the clash of religions compared to the clash of kings as our own history suggests.

Now a word about my favourite character. It is Tyrion Lannister . I do love a sarcastic cynic, trying to survive in this big brutal world with a handicap. Of course being a grey character I hate him at times like how he quietly accepted what happened to Tysha when he thought she was just a whore.

Now I want to read it again.......Hopefully the next two books will be published before GRRM expires himself.

Monday, June 11, 2012

From my LAPTOP

I have a huge collection of junk in the various partitions of my hard drive. As I was going through one such folder the other day I found some hilarious and weird notes which I must have collected from somewhere. So here they are:


'Actual conversation after 3rd ODI between India-Pak played in Lahore Paskistan on 13 Feb 2006:

Rameez: So Inzy, disappointed with your performance today?
Inzy: Bismilla-e-rehman-e-rahim. Thank you allah.ya the indian batsman is play very good today. we is try very hard but is not win the game.

Rameez: Any words for Dhoni?
Inzy: Ya dhoni is play very well. He is hit his shot very hard in our gaps. In start, we is protect our gaps very well. the grass is also thick.. but dhoni is split our gaps with his bat.

Rameez: Another ordinary bowling performance?
Inzy: Ya our balls is loose. the bowler is went for many run. Asif is bowled well. Also, after some shots the ball is out of shape. umpire is not give another ball. it is tough to play with one ball.

Rameez: Dropped catches.. did that prove costly?
Inzy: ya the ball is not stick to our hands. we is practice a lot sticking our bat in our hands.. but now we is more practice sticking balls in our hands.

Rameez: Any plans for the next match?
Inzy: ya India is on top but we is try to bounce on our back. Insha allah we is play better.

Rameez: All the best Inzy
Inzy: Thank is you"

Okay I have to apologize now. Because I don't think the conversation actually went as above. Besides Pakistani or not, Inzamam ul Haq was a damn fine batsman to watch and definitely deserves my respect.



 Lesson 1: 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson 5: Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey,
but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!



You May Be A Taliban If
  • You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
  • You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
  • You have more wives than teeth.
  • You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
  • You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
  • You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
  • You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
  • You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
  • You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
  • You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.


A lot of people will attest to the fact that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are a couple of Genius. Not only they have made a show like South Park, they often manage to produce something even beyond the ridiculously high expectation level they have set. Here is one such example. The episode was "Fishsticks" and they spoofed Kanye West with this awesome lyrics rendered to the tune of the song "Heartless". I have made those parts which I found worth a ROFLMAO bold. Enjoy. For best effects read it while listening to the song on youtube here.

I've been so lonely, girl
I've been so sad and down
couldn't understand
why others joked around
I wanted to be free
with other creatures like me
and now I got my wish
I know that I am a gay fish
(gay fish, yo)
mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)girl
I am a gay fish
(it's alright girl)
makin' love to other gay fish
all those lonely nights
at the grocery store in the frozen fish aisle
feeling like a whore
'cuz I wasn't being true
even though everyone said
that I had to make a switch
(gay fish)
now I know that i'm a gay fish
(gay fish, yo)
mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)girl 
I am a gay fish
(now where I belong, girl)
makin' love to other gay fish
I used to be scared, denying
who I was
actin' straight,
but then goin'
out to the gay fish clubs
dancin' with the marlins,
makin' out with all the snappers
i'd take a salmon home and
work that coddle fin for hours

but now i'm out and i'm free
to love what I want
be it yellowfin or bass or that
trout in vermont
I slap that marlin ass, make
that grouper butt shake
i'll come to your house and
have an orgy in your mother fucking
fish tank

mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)girl
I am a gay fish
(now where I belong, girl)
makin' love to other gay fish
I really get around
i'm a slut of the sea
when I say I got crabs
I mean it literally
I was eating dinner
and just had to go down
on that mackerel on the dish

'cus i'm the gayest of the gay fish
mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)girl
I am a gay fish
(now where I belong, girl)
but I got to settle down
I can't be a whore
I ain't gonna just sleep
with any fish no more
found me a lover
a brother who's a
cross-dressing pike named Trish
and together we are gay fish
mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)
girl I am a gay fish
(now where I belong, girl)
makin' love to other gay fish


These tidbits are not penned by me. I just found them worth collecting. What do you say?

Friday, June 8, 2012

A Proud Moment

Being an Indian Citizen has its perils. There are so few moments of pride. I am sorry to say I did not feel proud when our national anthem was selected as the best in the world by UNICEF. Because it was an internet hoax spread by some jingoistic fool. I did not feel proud when the Taj Mahal was selected as the first among the Seven Wonders of the World. Because it was selected via SMS votes and India has a huge population.

Then as the maggots of the government corruption began to ooze out on practically a daily basis, that was probably the lowest point of national morale. Not only the knowledge that most of the people in political power were corrupted to the core (which was mostly known), but the sheer scale of the scams (CWG, 2G, Coalgate) was a shock to the morale. Sadly, then came the unconstitutional opposition to these scams in the form of a voice to have LOKPAL by certain groups which comprised of people who themselves are corrupted and attention seeking. Youths across the nation started supporting the campaign (they were supporting that in Facebook though) to have a feel of how it was to protest against the regime. Of course they were just trying to emulate the great Bhagat Singh, Sukdev, the Mahatma, SC Bose, etc (having born much late after Indian Independence they missed out on the war for freedom. This was their way of having a new "movement", a "revolution") Who doesn't love a revolution against an oppressing regime? However I did not feel pride in that. As soon as India won the World Cup 2011, everything was forgotten though and people went back to their lives. Not even the unearthing of the huge Coalgate scam could elicit a response from the people who had become numb to corruption. ("Cholche. Cholbe" Zindabad). It wasn't a moment to feel proud. Then the government started to tinker with the secondary education system which they had started doing ever since they came into power after NDA. And by secondary education system, they only saw the ones which actually work, viz. the IITs. Ignoring the rest of them which don't work, they started doing some exceptional work to bring back the proud IITs to the average. Surely not a moment of pride. (Though the proposed system has lots of merits given certain modifications like elimination of the board marks as means of qualification)

Then came this news late on 8th June 2012.

IIT Kanpur defies Kapil Sibal, to conduct its own entrance test

It is not a big news by any means (No one was terrorized, no one was raped, no scam surfaced, no minister was granted bail, Sachin did not score a century, It wasn't an IPL Scandal, it wasn't a Poonam Pandey/ KRK tweet, Aamir Khan did not cry on national television, no Bollywood star was involved in an affair, Mamata Banerjee did not oppose some act, Digvijaya Singh did not open his mouth and Manmohan Singh remained as commentless as ever). But Man! did it feel good. Having studied at an IIT (albeit an IIT which is the first to agree with the MHRD on anything and everything) I will always feel a kinship with any IIT. And this was a moment of pride. The very fact that IITK senate decided to throw dung at the face of Mr. Kapil Sibal ("I am a 60 year old spoiled kid. I want my own toy. Gee, the "IIT" toy looks shiny") lifted my spirits to such high that I immediately started writing this post. Such was the excitement that my abysmal living conditions (extreme heat, humidity, a nearby hornets' nest and some other bothersome pests) bothered me no more. It was such a "Fuck you" moment that I forgot the pain of my childhood hero transforming into a political lackey for the moment. Definitely the way to show the middle finger. Remember it is very difficult to come out of the grip of the government for the IITs (despite them being "autonomous") because most of their funds still come from the government unlike their counterparts in the more developed nations. So it is very difficult to stand up to the government like this. I don't know if IITK is really going to go through this or fold under the pressure of the all-knowing illiterate politicians. But damn if it wasn't a moment to savour, a MOMENT OF PRIDE.


Monday, May 28, 2012

Cringe Inducing

Just when I though I would rest easy because the fucking IPL was over. Our honourable loon goes and does something like this:

Why? oh why? For fuck's sake it is just a domestic competition. Where were the felicitations when Bengal won the Ranji or Mohun bagan/ East Bengal won the IFA shield and the National Football League?

Felicitating the Bengal team for winning Ranji might still have meant something because it is Team Bengal. But KKR? Seriously? The team is owned by the probably the most cringe inducing actor of Bollywood who happens to hail from Delhi. There are hardly any players in the team to make it a team from Bengal. Only it happens to bear the name "Kolkata" which it tried to shed a few years back, if I remember it correctly.

Kolkata is not Bengal. Damn it!

Please stop this nuisance.

Monday, May 21, 2012


This post is going to be "XXX" rated. And although the tales presented here are only a little bit exaggerated, considering the sentiments of the "changed/matured (whatever they want to call themselves these days" people who were involved in the acts, their names haven't been referred to. My close friends at KGP will of course identify them in a moment, but as for others KEEP GUESSING.

WARNING: Read only if you are an adult and have a very gross sense of humour. Otherwise back off before you form the obvious bad impression about the guys.

CHARACTERS: F1, F2, F3, F4, F5, F6, F7, F8, F9, F10, F11, F12 (F STANDS FOR FRIEND)


Time: 2:00 AM
F1 is at home sleeping in a bed and by happenstance has to share the bed with his father (An extremely hot weather and only one room with Air Conditioner being the reason)
F2 calls F1 on phone. The phone wakes everyone up. F2 is screaming.
F2: Dude, I heard that you have had sex. And you haven't TOLD MEEEEEEEEE????????
F1: I am at home.......sleeping......and its 2 o' clock at night.
F2: FUCK YOU! first tell me did u have or haven't had sex?
F1: Let's talk later......Seriously I am at HOME  now
F2: NO. First answer my question.
F1: (whispers) Alright. yes
F2: fine then. I will call you later. Be ready with all the gory details of how you lost your virginity.
F1: clicks off the phone.
F1's father: Who was that?
F1: (exasperatedly) F2
F1's father: Dear Lord.......
F1: yup. there you go......


A regular gathering of friends.....Suddenly F6 exclaims
F6: I tried an amazing thing last night. Could not do it quite
REST: what?
F6: I tried to suck my own dick!
REST: (facepalm)
(chorus) masochistic pervert fucker
F2: so what? even I tried to do it. I could not touch the tip of the dick with my tongue though. I know a guy in **** block who does it regularly.
REST: (Mutual facepalm)
F1: I don't know about you all. But I need a heavy dosage of lesbian porn right now. (leaves)
F6: (ignores reactions of the people) Yup. Its only the most supple who can do it. All those porn where the guy does it, actually has surgery done to remove the floating ribs in order to be more bendy!!!!
F1 walks away faster from the discussion.


F3 is regularly verbally ragged in every session of these late night discussions. In college lingo, that is called rape. One fine evening while discussing among friends F1 tries to visualize this rape of F3.
F1: Its as if F3 comes out of his room everyday, finds our group, joins us, turns around, drops his pants, bends and invites us to take turn in gang-raping him. Finally satisfied, when he tries to leave with his bruised arse, we fuck his arsehole with his own dick and as an added measure put his balls inside his arsehole. That is when he cries out, "There is a limit to everything!!" and leaves ultimately. Next day: A repeat of what just happened.
REST: That was an amazingly accurate visualization


F2's morbid fascination with F3's private parts leads him to call on F1 at the dead of the night.
F2: I just had a tremendous idea. When F3 marries, he will try and avoid acquainting us with his wife.
F1: Because we fuck his arsehole so much?
F2: Yes. He will say to his wife, "I can't take you to meet my friends. They fuck me in my arsehole." His wife will say, "Let me see, how they have hurt you". F3 takes off his trousers and his underwear to show his fabulous bottom to his wife. His wife will be flabbergasted to find his dick plugged into his arsehole. F3 will say, "See, they have fucked me so much that my anus has widened beyond the acceptable limits. Now I can't control my bowel movement with such a wide arsehole. In order to plug the leak I had to start using an anal plug. Later I had a better idea. Since my penis also leaks urine, lubricating fluid, and semen I decided to kill to birds with one stone and put my dick inside my arsehole. But it did not solve the problem. The arsehole was too loose for the dick. So I had special two way plugs manufactured for better fitting." His wife will be highly impressed by his ingenuity. She will say, "Wow! you are so smart".
F1: He will also have another advantage with such an arrangement. Whenever he needs to carry a lot of luggage and he can't fit them all in his two hands, he could hang it from the penis and plug the penis back into his arsehole.
F2: He might have to do that all the time, given the his huge ballsack. Extra support will be welcome.
F5: (roaring with laughter) That was an eerily detailed visualization.
F2: What can I say. I was bored.
F1: ..and horny
On hearing the sudden roar of laughter F3 comes out of his room with anticipation.
F3: (with a smile which is ready to transform into laughter) What happened? Tell me why are you all laughing?
F5: We were just discussing you.
F3: (the smile curdles) In that case I would better leave
F3 leaves in a hurry before F5 and F2 can catch him and make him suffer with the story.


Friday evening.....F4 is very excited because he has finally booked rooms for his girlfriend. And they are going to have sex. Its time F4 lost his virginity.
Monday morning.......F4 returns battered, bruised, he has been through World War II.
REST: Dude, we heard that the girl bleeds during her first time, that too on rarer cases these days. Why is a quarter of your own blood leaking out of your numerous deep wounds?
F4:(with a satisfied smile) I offered her weed. We had sex after we had weed. We were high as fuck. And we were fucking so hard we had no other sensation. I got bruised against the wall, the bed and what not. I didn't even feel the pain.
REST: seriously? you have a small chunk of your feet missing!
F4: (knowingly) happens! (shrugs and gives a glorious exit. The kind maidens talk about)
F2: Fucker just lied through his teeth. I know what he did. He is a pervert of the first order. He is into BDSM. That is why he is bleeding.
F6: (excitedly) Now I know just the thing to gift him on his marriage. A pair of cuffs!
F5: So F4 and his girlfriend are an accident waiting to happen. One fine day the neighbours will come to their house and find them dead from performing some weird sexual act.
.......suddenly F4 joins in again.
F4: Guess what! we even tried Erotic asphyxiation!
REST: (stare at each other in wonder)


Freshmen year.........
F1: I have heard that F7 is Mr. Goody two shoes. What do you say F7? could you say a few swear words.
F7: (only smiles like a simpleton)
F1: just say "Penis" or "dick" or "cock"
F7:(innocently) no
A lot of effort and F7 still doesn't utter a single swear word.

Junior year........
F7 comes to F1's room
F7: I have just shared an exclusive rape porn series in the hub
F1: That is some rapid change from the guy who wouldn't utter a single swear word a year back! you just skipped the step of normal sex and graduated to rape!

Senior year.........After returning from a foreign country
F7: That was an awesome two months for me. I groped so many girls. And none of them were even bothered about it.
F1: This guy is fast approaching "Jack the Raper" status


F3 is gaming with all the concentration in the world. F2 finds him sitting in a crouched position with a bent knee. F2 rushes out and gathers everyone around to see "the spectacle".
F2: Over there! F3 has a ball dangling out of his shorts. He has a loose scrotum.
F3: (still ignoring everybody in the room)
F1: (over analyzing) either he has a long sack or small balls. My bet's on a long sack.
F2: Me too. He probably has a sack so long, he has to wind it around his legs to keep it from dangling dangerously and blocking his forward motion while walking with a back swing of the pendulum.
F3's roommate: (annoyed) All you fuckers get out of here immediately.


F8: You know the kind of women I like?
REST: No, we don't want to know.
F8: (ignores them) I would love to have a milking babe. You know, every time I need a cup of tea, I will just squeeze out some milk from her. It will be like possessing a live coffee/tea maker.
F6: (sarcastically) If we ever visit you would you offer us the same tea/coffee
F8: No probs dude. I am not possessive. I am even willing to swing her. You know what? I don't even want to talk to her. I just want here available every time I want her for something. That's it.
F4: what if she cheats on you
F8: No probs. As long as I get sex whenever I am horny.
F1: yeah. you will need to put up some sort of time table. Monday 8:30 to 9:00 PM sex time, Tuesday 7:00 AM Milking time, and likewise
F8: yup! a very good idea!
F6: By the way, I will take you up on your swinging idea. Let's have a deal that once we are married we will swing each other's wives.
F8: fine. done!


F1 and F2 are discussing the Rajnikanthian ejaculation of F3.
F2: F3 needs very tight set of underwear so that even if he gets an erection his penis is locked downwards. Otherwise his crotch will burst out.
F1: Yes, especially since he gets horny every now and then. Say, he becomes so excited that he has an orgasm and ejaculates in his pants. So what happens is, say he is walking through a road. Suddenly he ejaculates. Because of the immense force generated by him ejaculating his pants drop suddenly and a bottomless F3 flies out of his pants.
F2: Oh. Shit! He needs specially designed underwear and trousers as well, one which has zip that goes all the way around his crotch. So that whenever he needs to ejaculate he just opens the zip, ejaculates in the downward direction and flies away to hid destination like a missile. 
F1: Rajnikanthian mode of travel!
REST: New depths achieved!!!!!!

F9: You know what? I don't understand this fellatio business. It is so disgusting. I can't even imaging touching something with my tongue where there has been urine not too long ago.
F10: so you won't have a problem if I perform cunnilingus on your wife.
F9: Go ahead! by all long as she doesn't give you a blowjob too
REST: wow!


During one of those discussions, it was suddenly revealed to F3 that F2 is circumcised. Here is the reaction of F3.
F2: (blah...blah......blah) I am circumcised (blah.....blah.......blah)
F3: (winces) come again? You said that you are circumcised. Really?
F2: yup. So what?
F3: How do you bear wearing underwear or any sort of clothing for that matter? Don't you feel a tingling sensation? My glans are so sensitive that whenever I roll back the foreskin it tingles like anything and I laugh out loud
F1,F2,F4,F5,F6,F7: (Jaw drops) 


F12: (Day-dreaming) One day I will own one of those. (indicating at a pair GUCCI shoes) 
F3: (laughing hysterically) you will look odd wearing shoes that say JUICY.
F1: Did you just read GUCCI as JUICY?????


F11 is explaining how hard his life has been!
F11: My folks are perennially angry about me. Every time I go home they screw me in the arse one way or other. Especially my mother
F5: So to quote you, your mother "fucks you in the arse"?
..............There are roars of laughter and banging of the mess table from all corners of the mess. 

PS: Probably this is the world GRRM wants to live in!

NOTE: All musings and ramblings are just what they are: Musings and Ramblings. They are not intentions or dreams. They are just a result of some very fertile imagination of idle brains. Do not judge them literally. Even though the lesser minds will!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A collection of thought provoking articles

Yes. I have begun another collection, one which I hope will be regularly updated. This is a collection of the best of the articles I have ever read. I have already forgotten a lot of them. But from here on I am going to save them here:

Friday, April 27, 2012

Rip Van Winkle Moment

Finally a small post. And no complaining either!. It looks the world has passed on by while I was taking a nap. What does someone feel when an old crush gets married? I think the appropriate smiley is :|

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Me, DOSA and the Counselor

I just remembered this conversation from long time ago. I didn't find it funny that time. But now I suddenly remembered and began giggling.

DOSA: (Looking at Report) Hmm, So 5 exam bunks, 2 presentation bunks, 9 classes attended in whole semester. Would you care to explain yourself?

ME: Blah blah blah blah

DOSA: go to the counselor. If you  don't then I will be forced to inform your parents.

I went to the counselor.

COUNSELOR: (After reading the report, concerned look) Why Sudipto why?

ME: Its difficult to pin point the exact reason. Let's just say I am lazy

COUNSELOR: Everybody is lazy. Even I am lazy. I am always procrastinating. I always arrive late.

ME: (Seriously) If there are choices offered for questions in a paper, I choose the one I know least about, so that I can't write much. I am that lazy. I have left the Examination Hall more than once, a couple of hours early even though I knew a lot of the answers, just because I felt like watching Star Wars again at that very moment. Another time when I wasn't allowed to leave the Hall because it was too early I decided to take a nap and the Invigilator had to wake me up by poking when he came to collect my paper at the end of the exam some two hours later.

COUNSELOR: (facepalm)

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Sexuality at KGP

I am not going to make another controversial statement here. However I would like to point out an awesome piece of work done by the campus magazine Scholar's Avenue at:
I personally participated in the survey and so I can attest to the fact the questions were very well posed and relevant. However if I assume that most of the people did give truthful answers and the guys did not pose as girls just to have fun answering their section, I feel really disturbed by a few facts:
  1. That half of the girls have been misbehaved with one time or other in the campus. I hope that was not due to their sex.
  2. That very few IITians are actually tolerant of homosexuals. yes 60-70% might seem a large number compared to the nation average. But considering the intellect available here I would have expected it to be at least 95%.
  3. That some of the guys have been asked out more than 3 times by girls during their stay at KGP. I find it hard to believe if its not downright false bragging. 
  4. That almost half the people have no problem in the net being censured. My pro-pornography stand not withstanding, I say to them "Dude! Freedom of speech". It doesn't matter what I do in private. Nobody can ask an adult to not do something which is not hurting others. Every time some dictator curbs basic human rights, he starts with small things like curbing Freedom of Speech. So down with censuring.
  5. That some 10% of the girls think campus security with respect to women is inadequate. I would dearly love to hear what else they want it to be.
  6. That some 6% females would not vote for a female candidate standing for the position of VP. I leave those chauvinist males who would not vote for the same, but its astonishing that some of the females have similar attitude.
  7. That some people look for their religion and caste while choosing a suitable date! Astonishing! Especially since those who are from the General Caste background constantly complain how the SCs and STs and OBCs no longer need reservations, and those who are from SC/ST/OBC would have ideally like to shake off the stigma associated with coming to IIT as reservation candidates.
  8. Some 9% people think that they would pay for sex as long as its out of the country. Imperial Hangover? Seriously?
  9. Some 58% of the males said that physical intimacy was not very important. I would not even know where to begin with this point. So I am going to leave it alone for now lest people think I am some kind of deviant.
  10. And finally what was that with some people being okay with open relationship only in college? Such hypocrites! Either you are okay with it or you are not! But this way it looks like you are okay with it until you move on to a more stable life. 
My rants not withstanding I am still proud of being part of such a community. Wish the rest of the world were more like us!

still they think we are stupid

I begin with this link:

What a joke! The top 5 ministers quitting Congress isn't going to solve anything. Congress still thinks the citizens are just a bunch of nincompoops who can be fed shit wrapped in shiny new package. First let the Gandhi family resign. Let them withdraw all those special allowances towards a nobody named Robert Vadra. Then we will see.

And after all that I have a personal demand. Let "our next PM" take an IQ test. I am sure he will be found wanting in that department. Once that is done, let Madamji treat her son just like any other concerned parent would in this case, i.e send him to a special hospital (preferably outside India) who deal with such autistic people.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

A list of things irking me

What can I say. I love making lists. (avoiding deadly PJ about serial killers here)
So here is the latest list of things around the world irking me apart from Religion and fantatics of course, which is going to outlive us all, even if it manages to kill all life on the planet.
  • IPL: Seriously, how can people watch it or endure it. Is there any point in being Ravindra jadeja and pasting a bowler like some XYZ Singh to all parts of the ground whose dimensions if reduced by 10 yards or so will become the fielding restriction circle itself. It is becoming any eyesore whenever I visit cricinfo or Times of India. Its like that most annoying song of Salman Khan/Emraan Hashmi you keep hearing at every corner of the street during festivities. And you simply can't shake it off, even though that is probably competing with some of Bappi da's worst music in the world
  • If IPL can still be forgiven, what is with this sympathy towards Pakistan cricket. Yes I can understand that coming from the bulk of the other cricketing nations whose knowledge about Pakistani people is limited to the great Wasim Akram and Zaheer Abbas. But it is deplorable and highly shameful coming from Indians. Don't forget the nations is a backstabbing viper, whose citizen Kasab is still stuck to our flesh as a thorn. If the government has done something right is to stop all cricketing relations with the nations. Long story short, India and Indians should just ignore Pakistan. Don't forget the numerous terrorist attacks, the three wars where Indian citizens died defending nothing but snow and sand. In fact whatever land was won, was returned by the short-sighted politicians like Indira Gandhi, who thought she could buy sympathy [Result was simply a praise or two and then it was all forgotten]. Forgive but do not forget. Learn from history.We may not have our 9/11. But the total number of people who dies from various terrorist attacks since the 90's are way more than that in 9/11. I admit that majority of Pakistanis have nothing to do with these attacks and that they are the worst sufferers of terrorism in the present world. They do not deserve that. But a nation has to be selfish towards its own sons and daughters. We have enough problems in our nation to cope with. We don't need sympathy towards a people who have constantly let people like Zia-ul-Haq lead them into such a radicalized state. As the cartoon said, they deserve these leaders and terrorism as much as we deserve our leaders and corruption. So no cricket and no nothing else. That's it. And for fuck's sake stop saying that IPL misses Pakistani players. I do not care a dime about IPL. But Pakistanis deserve no share of the hard-earned money of the common men in India.
  • Mamata Banerjee................Need I say more? She might be the most honest politician in India, but the only reason for her existence seems to have been eradication of the plague called CPM. The problem with such an existence is that as soon as you achieve your goal, your life is left with no meaning. Just like Israel has no reason to exist now and nor do Pakistan. I am so exasperated by her and her antics. TMC goons nowadays are as good as CPM goons were in those days. The problem is that in this digital world they keep getting caught red handed even though hardly any punishment is meted out to them, as is usual with any party in power.
  • Congress, the Gandhis and their lackeys like Diggi Raja..........These people lower the IQ of the entire nation. After the debacle in Delhi civic polls Kapil Sibal said it wasn't because people thought congress was responsible for the numerous scams that have surfaced of late. He said civic polls were about local issues and not the national issues. I fervently hope that this is not the case and people are intelligent enough to vote against congress for the very reasons Sibal denies. The very fact that Sibal denies them to be reasons is another way of saying "People are just lain stupid. Whatever issue you can present to them they will just gobble it up. Their memory is poor. And long live Congress and its ways". That is just plain insult to the citizens of India. This is just one statement from a Congress member. I am not even going into whatever bullshit that spews out of Rahul Gandhi (like that famous comment regarding his being a brahmin or Hindu terrorism being a greater threat than Islamic terrorism) or the other people of Congress. I will give Congress thumbs up in one issue though, that is trying to bring FDI in India. Though that is immediately offset by their poor commitment to their ambition regarding FDI.
  • Roadies, Big Boss and the thousand other reality shows out there. But especially Roadies. They just assume the audience is not only dumb but as dumb as fuck. And to my dismay the audience continuously proves them right. I have never watched a single episode of any of the reality shows. I am just irked by the fact that people around me watch them. And for those who still can't get me regarding this issue please watch the spoof Rowdies on youtube. That I have watched and immensely appreciated. Big Boss is as bad as Roadies. There are many reasons for that. I am going to state just one here. Its none other than Salman Khan who despite being a murderer of human beings and endangered animals never actually had to pay for his crimes. And people worship this guy! 
  • People talking about how Tendulkar should retire. To them I say just name a suitable replacement. And no, Virat Kohli doesn't count. because he is already an established player in the ODI team and he can at most fill one part of the huge vacancy left by Dravid and Ganguly in the test team. You say Rohit Sharma? LOL......the guy doesn't even value his wicket. Ajinkya Rahane?..............too immature. First let him play in place of the totally amoeba like form of Sehwag. Pujara?..........same reason as Rahane. Manoj Tiwary?.......Doesn't matter how much Gavaskar praises him. He is simply not up to the standards of even someone like Gautam gambhir. 
  • This endless fascination of some people with European football leagues. Don't get me wrong but I love football. That is I love quality football. Like the ones Brazil or Germany play at the world cups, and somewhat about the Euro Cup. And there are few people out there with more knowledge about international football statistics than me. But I can't seem to give a shit about Manchester United or Barcelona. Screw Messi. He might have all the talent in the world but he plays shit if his Barca teammates are taken away from him. The last time I actually liked European Football leagues was when Real Madrid was at its pomp with Luis Figo and the genius Zinedine Zidane creating magic in the field. To me supporting chelsea is like if I say I support the Los Angeles Lakers and keep on talking endlessly about how good Kobe Bryant is. I can debate with you gladly and endlessly about whether Puskas was better or Platini. If Lev yashin was as good as everybody say he was. But here I put a stop. No club level sports please. So stop talking about these pointless leagues in front of me. 
  • Most Hindi comments here. just go and visit The Vigit Idiot a wonderful blog by Sahil Rizwan. you can find why I hate them.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Probably the most important piece I will ever post

When I explained my philosophy to people,
  • My close friends took it as my strange sense of humour and laughed
  • My not so close friends took it as satire and laughed
  • My "non-friend" acquaintances pitied me and laughed
  • My parents became over-concerned and tried to convince me their ways
  • My teachers thought I was crazy and tried to counsel me
Nevertheless I lived my philosophy. I succeeded in
  • failing for the first time
  • failing repeatedly
  • procrastinating the so called "most important work" to the point everybody became exasperated with me (Actually I never finished it till date)
  • I enjoyed obscenely. I still do.
  • I screwed up
  • I was hated
  • People envied me
  • People said I am just another attention seeker

Now I see that people are mailing each other this piece of speech:

People say that it resonates with them. Still they forget it after forwarding the mail to someone else.
I am not as articulate as the litigator here. May be I failed to explain to the people. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I have definitely crossed the barrier of "AVERAGE". And this is one thing I am never going to be apologetic or humble about.

I have not loved yet. That is the only thing in their left to be achieved by me. JEE ended my life. I have lived after death. YES I HAVE!

No amount of money will I trade that with...........

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

My top ten scenes in The Wheel of Time

Needless to say that I am too bored now and hence this post. I am not really in the mood for explaining my reasons here for this list. I will get to it if I find time sometime later. So here goes:
  1. Egwene-al-vera fighting against the Seanchan marath-damane captors in The Gathering Storm
  2. Galad Damodred defeating Eamon Valda in the most awesome sword-fight scenes in sf & fantasy in the prologue in Knife of Dreams. I was awake for more than 24 hours by then and I was reading the book while lying down. But that scene made me sit up and sweat.
  3. Dumai's Wells battle scene between the abductor Tower Aes Sedai, younglings, the Shaido and Perrin Aybara's company and the Ashaman in Lord of Chaos.
  4. Rand-al-Thor's unbelievable display of channeling to almost wipe out the entire Trollocks and Dragkhar army in Maradon in Towers of Midnight. 
  5. Rodel Ituralde's awesome attack on the Seanchan army in Knife of Dreams Prologue. Matrim Caouthon maybe the best general the pattern ever created, but those guerilla tactics of Rodel Ituralde brought sheer joy to me. (maybe because they were against the Seanchan?).
  6. Nynaeve-al-Meara's healing of the gentled Logain Abler and stilled Siuan Sanche and Leane Sharif in Lord of Chaos. Nynaeve-al-Meara is my favourite character in WOT and she has so many awesome scenes, but I could only fit this scene in the top ten.
  7. Perrin's fight with Luc/Isam and Egwene's simultaneous attack on the Black Ajah and Mesanna in Telaranrhiod in Towers of Midnight. So finally Perrrin gets the chance to be awesome while not being thick. Especially where he just dispelled balefire. Also Gawyn Trakand has the chance to redeem himself in my eyes.
  8. The final battle between the heroes of the horn, the Children of Light and the Seanchan, with Rand-al-Thor battling Ba'alzamon in the skies of Falme and the simultaneous rescue of Egwene by Nynaeve and Elayne from the Seanchan in The Great Hunt.
  9. Now comes the skirmishes of Matrim Cauthon's Band of the Red Hand with the Seanchan while trying to escape Altara in Knife of Dreams
  10. Cleansing of Saidin in Winter's Heart. Well no point explaining this scene. I am sure everybody is a fan.
So many scenes missed out,and among them these stand out: The interactions between Mat and Tuon over Winter's Heart, A Crossroad of Twilight and Knife of Dreams, the awesome scene between the trio of  Egwene, Mat and Elayne in Lord of Chaos, and again in A Crossroad of Twilight, the scene between Birgitte Silverbow and Mat in A Crossroad of Twilight, Nynaeve-al-Meara's numerous hilarious antics, Rand's exasperation with Dais Daemer scene with Hurin and Loial in Cairhien in The Great Hunt, Mat's other antics (the Robert Jordan written ones. I think Brandon Sanderson failed in this one bit), Eqwene's standing up to the Tower Aes Sedai after capture in Knife of Dreams and The Gathering Storm, Siuan Sanche's interactions with Gareth Bryne, Mat's trapping of the Gholam in Towers of Midnight and lots of others I can't recall right now.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

RIP IITJEE......But what next?

Everyone I meet, (by everyone I mean IITians of course) are mourning. They are mourning the end of their precious IITJEE. They mourned when the pattern was changed from subjective to objective. They mourned when the standard of the objective examination fell below that of AIEEE. Now they are mourning the end of that very thing altogether. Yes, unsurprisingly I am one of them. But this post is not another nostalgic bout about those JEE days, nor it is how the politicians erred in scrapping JEE. This post is about what to do next, now that the ultimate sieve which selected the best and the brightest, pushed them to such intellectual limits has been done away with.

Is it going to be any good now that students who excel in their board examinations through sheer hard work and rote learning, will come to join these premier Institutes of India. Let us analyze that first. Some of the people think the hard earned reputation of the IIT alumni that ropes in hundreds of companies during the first few weeks of placement will take a hit. The placements will take a hit because the companies won't want these "substandard" student. This argument has no merit whatsoever because firstly, there are hardly any job these companies offer that require above average intellect. Anybody who has passed higher secondary can be trained to do these jobs. In fact all IITians who join these companies regularly complain about how mundane the jobs are, how anybody can do them and how bored they wanted to have more challenging jobs. So if anybody can do them they why not the future batch of students. One thing, I think everybody agrees on is that whoever comes out of the new system will possess one particular attribute. He/She will be hardworking. And that is all you need to be successful in the company you join. Secondly, most of the IITians leave their first job after four-five years for greener pasture. Because, if you are good enough, and IITians in general are, then there will always be another company willing to hire you for a better salary. But if the new batch students aren't that good, then they won't have another company waiting for them. So they will stick to their old jobs, which the companies recruiting from IITs will actually prefer. They don't want their training to go down the drain when the employee leaves them for a better package. They want to suck every last bit the employee can offer. Therefore the placements won't suffer. In fact these days companies who are suddenly preferring M.Techs to B.Techs at IITs because undergraduates simply don't stay put, will be back hiring the undergraduates by hordes.
The other issue that concerns the IIT alumni is that the quality of research will fall. By research they mean post graduate research. Ans since all of the IITians who are inclined towards research leave India for foreign Universities, even if the quality of research suffers, it would not affect India. Obviously the charm that the IIT degree exudes to the foreign universities will fade with time if the quality of students coming out of IIT falls, but ideally that should not affect the students individually. If you are good enough you can do it from an ordinary Indian Institution. You don't need the push that the IIT Degree gives you. To be established among the best and the brightest one needs to pass through a rigorous examination, If it is not JEE then it will be the one after your graduation when these elite foreign universities will examine all aspects of your life- your projects, your grades, your GRE score, etc because the weightage given to the IIT degree would not be given any more.

Overall I think the system will self-heal. Those who are concerned that the students who are actually skilled in analysis and problem solving won't get into IITs can be rest assured. They will find a way to get in. You ask how can I be sure? I can be sure of it because most of my fellow IIT students that I have met have been school toppers. And personally, I have the confidence of clearing any exam in the world given six months of solid hard work. So I believe the deserving students will find a way to clear the board examinations with distinctions. I won't be surprised if the top marks in the various board examinations climbs a few notch or two because of the competition it is attracting.

So relax guys. Let our juniors enjoy a better college life because one thing is sure to happen. The abysmal sex ratio at IITs is going to change overnight. And after all is said and done, life is supposed to be fun. Its sure going to be more fun for the juniors in this aspect. If they don't discuss the fine nuances of chaos, fractals and relativistic mechanics, so what? As long as the company remains uniform, (uniformly dull or uniformly bright) it is not going to matter.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Reliving a few moments of the past-I

The debates on the pros and cons of social networking are never going to stop. I was introduced to this concept by the mighty SDM. He won the KVPY scholarship in 2004. And as a part of the scholarship scheme went to do a project at one of the IITs. When he came back, he returned wide-eyed (being the only one in contact with real IITians) with the knowledge of Orkut, supposedly the next coolest thing. One fine evening he says, "Do you do social networking?" Me being the proud puppy then promptly say, "Nope". But I refuse to divulge anymore lest he knows that until that day I haven't even heard those words together. A few days letter I find his mail inviting me to Orkut. It didn't take much time after that to engage in the well-known battle of "who's got more scraps in their scrapbook". And orkut being the place where one could send friend request to girls and actually talk to them normally, quickly it became the favourite past time. The talking to the girl thing is important because even though we studied at a co-educational school, that talking to a girl thing never really happened. Girls weren't friends of the boys, except for the cases of a few studs who turned out to be duds later in life (but that's another issue). For us nerds however, who pretended to be brahmacharis at school, so as to avoid being ridiculed by other similar pretenders, Orkut was the cool multiplex to hang out at, meet girls and get the testosterone flowing just thinking about the fact that, "Oh yeah. I am so cool. I am talking to a girl right now". Never mind the fact that everything's in the virtual world.

Then the most uncool thing happened. We went to college. Being an IITian gave us the feeling that now that we are the best of the best, the smartest of the people, we won't have to chase THEM. They will chase us. It never happened. Though the occasional congrats and the regular praise kept coming in, it finally became too awkward to even reply because after a year or so everybody had landed rather badly on the real grounds. The hope of finding the best looking girlfriend never died though. We had resorted to sending friend requests in orkut to random girls of nearby locations, and once we had struck a conversation (read scrapping) we continued that to our newly discovered gtalk. Sometime the lucky ones found it was possible to continue the conversation on phones. The result was catastrophic in certain cases. I remember a particular case vividly. There was one girl (let her remain unnamed) who somehow got into the friendlist of everybody in our wing in first year (Mostly the guys added her and in a few cases she added the guys). All the guys were excited about her, never mind the fact that nobody knew her or seen her. (Those days indian girls from small towns never posted their photos). But everywhere ranging from the mess-table to the DC main chat was abuzz with her. Finally, I don't know exactly how it happened, but three of my friends ended up meeting her at a nearby place (a previously arranged rendezvous). One had a camera and we had our first look at the photos. Our reactions were summarized by one fellow who promptly said, "emma e to kajer mashi re!" (looks like the maid). So that put an end to things there..............except I never actually stopped replying to her scraps. But I didn't have a personal computer then. So being the addict that I was I used my neighbour's machine. And one day the inevitable happened. I forgot to logout. My neighbour julie invited a few others to defile my account and fulfill his lifelong desire of having a proper no holds barred sex-chat with the girl through my account. (Yes, to my surprise she responded. Till then I thought sex was only pleasurable for men in India. For women it was just the thing to do to reproduce and get it over with. And no amount hollywood movies would change the notion, because it was hollywood. Even now I just can't believe that is entirely false). So when I found out about all that, it put an end to my adventures in orkut temporarily. No harm in recognizing that I was immature to be embarrassed enough to remove her from my friendlist.

In the meantime the smarter guys around me had somehow already acquired girlfriends. And suddenly the rest of us were finding the old Murphy's law coming true, "All the good ones are taken". Naive that we were we decided to wait and watch, for we were sure or degrees would attract the best and the brightest of the flock. However we were wrong. Now even the bad ones were taken and none were left. Suddenly I was finding even the guy who could hardly utter one sentence in a group was chatting animatedly on his phone through the night. Even though the chats were highly audible and entertaining ("How do you find the moon tonight?" or "I forgot to wish you good night yesterday") they quickly got irritating.

Soon that chapter was ignored and life went on. Though the idea never really died. Then with a bang arrived Facebook..............Lets continue the story some other time. I am feeling way too tired to type anymore........Too many papers to write

PS: Excuse the English please
PPS: Because this post is only for me...a legible photograph of a long gone time.